Ramble of consciousness

Have you ever been lost?

Not lost as in geographically, not lost in a place, not physically lost….just lost.

Someplace that your mind takes you into a world of confusion, of disappointment of fear even. Lost in a time and space that you  feel is not your own, not viable for what you need, and you are alone.
So alone and you can’t pin point why, or how or when you ever reached this point…you only know that you got here..

somehow.

And that now you can’t leave.

You might not actually be alone, you might not be scared, maybe you have come to accept the little hollow that is your own, come to terms with despondency, the lack of enthusiasm, lack of care. You might have just found yourself trekking along the path of least resistance, happily humming the solo theme tune. You might well even be humming it whilst walking alongside someone, but they are not really with you, you are not really there,

You are but a shell of something you once were, and could be. A dim light in a sea of shimmering morsels ready to be plucked one by one, ready for the taking. Yet you amble on, happy to breathe, happy to survive as long as you don’t have to feel. The numbness that courses through your veins anesthetising your soul and caging your desires, your passion, your worth.
Every now and then you might feel a peck, a small glimmer of being that gives you hope, makes you feel alive and ready to tear down the walls. Yet all too soon you are packed up again and ready to retract. To shut the doors on the world and carry on smiling that fake smile because that is what gets you through…that is the you that they adore.

The only one that they accept.

My beautiful picture

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