Life

Dear Mother

You fed us, clothed us, kept us warm

Held us, taught us, showed no scorn

Every day you gave your time

your life, your love, your soul, your rhyme.

You never once had idle hands

You worked two jobs to meet demands

and never once did you despair,

complain that life just wasn’t fair

The only wish you ever dreamed

was to be a mother; wife esteemed

and so you gave up all your life

for small desires, full with strife

I didn’t understand your needs

and now my heart, for you it bleeds

Your cherished girl, lost out the blue

a husbands illness moved him too

And now you live your life alone

with only me to call your own

A life confused, and filled with space

I’m sorry, I can’t take their place.

Though just because I can’t be smothered

Doesn’t mean I love you less, dear mother.

 

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It hangs

In the balance between

You and I

The empty air of silence

All those words left unsaid,

about the elephant,

and whose room he’s in, and why?

Tiny pockets crammed with conviction

Suit jackets lined with lies.

Yet still, we tiptoe

Between discarded clothes and comments

Barbed by hatred, hidden by love.

Such fickle creatures

We live by the moonlight of tenacity.

 

 

 

Wasted my young years

I am wasting my life

I know it, yet I cannot seem to stop it. I sit and I feel it slipping away from me. My get up and go has got up and gone and I have no idea how to find it again, or know if indeed it is still out there waiting to be found.

In my thoughts I am a pioneer, I swoop and soar and plan all things which I could do, list all the things I should do, hide from the things I need to do – yet still I lie.
Curled up in a fortress of quilt whenever I can get the chance, if ever I need not to be at work and sometimes when I should be somewhere else – i lie. Hidden behind walls and I lie, in bed waiting, waiting for something unknown.

I am tired

My bones do not want to move today or ever. I do not want to drag my carcass out into the unfriendly world where it has no relevance, no meaning, no joy. I feel guilt for all of the things I am missing out on, feel bad for those I am letting down, constantly but still I cannot seem to force myself out. I dont know what I want but I know it isnt this – I am a waste of life in this state. Not living but simply existing.

The only thing that brings solace is sleep. I feel I could sleep forever and feel happier lost in dreams for life only brings cruelty and sadness.

Please just let me sleep.

 

Nothing lasts forever

 

It starts with a bang
An echoing boom
which hugs the air
Colours crackling uncontrollably
Thundering whips that shake foundations
Glittering lashings of silver and gold
Stars which cascade against the dark facade
The air thick with smog: no smoke without fire
And so the inferno rages on
We are without warning, untested
No instructions, no safety precautions
We are the unknown
A flame ready to be fuelled
or destroyed
Smothered by damp wood
or given freedom to burn
Neither way holds eternity
Either way –
Fireworks will not last forever
The choice is only to stay: enjoy
Or be left with only sticks and cinders
Forever imagining the unseen

 

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A Birthday to remember

My sister, today, should be forty

There will be cake and jelly
And small floury rolls
Filled with tinned salmon
Or doorstops of cheese
The table is always lined
With her favourites
Without question
Without fear
Sausage rolls set like dominoes
Pork pie soldiers guarding
Pink pickled cabbage
Half a grapefruit smothered by foil
Disguised: an edible hedgehog
Salad will arrive naked, as usual
Cherry tomatoes piggybacking
Pickled onions on pogo sticks
The trifle taking centre stage
Alongside a neglected black forest gateau
In the background a fence of Lambrini
Hated by all except her
And so they watch defiantly – covered in dust
Until the sad charade is over
And leftover morsels are wrapped
And pressed
Into tubs, for another day

Today my sister should be forty
And yet she is here, but I am not