Sometimes I am struck by the sheer futility of it all
Crossing out days in the calendar as if they were nothing
Allowing the sands of time to slip away
Watching the rising and setting of the sun
Knowing that in each lost day drowns a moment
An imagined space in fate forfeited, passed over
Some days there is anger, a hope that it will soon be over
A growing sadness that encourages me to leave it all
To walk away and seize the moment
But the fear of uncertainty, of being left with nothing
To be naked to elements, left to dry in the sun
These thoughts restrain me, stop me running away
Instead I walk a precarious line; he’d rather look away
Never wanting to face that its over
Seeing us as youngsters, playing in the sun
Willing to deny the truth, trying to forget it all
Attempting to believe the agitation is nothing
Not allowing emotion, not for a moment.
But it’s true, we are here in this moment
I still haven’t given anything away
Even at this juncture, I offer nothing
Except silent acknowledgement it’s over
I can offer no comfort at all
For I am every evil under the sun
I contemplate this in bed, awaiting the rising of the sun
My mind a kinetoscope, replaying every moment
Squeezing life from every last memory, I drink them all
Chasing down fragments, not allowing any to slip away
Nailing down reason, trawling through thoughts over and over
Torturing feelings to confirm there is nothing
Nothing more to hold me, no person, no thing
Save the inexplicable guilt of hurting a mothers son
My head so thick and weary, as though harbouring a hangover
Could it be my courage finally gathers momentum?
I should vault the bandwagon straightaway
To hell with my wherewithal
Who cares if I have nothing, I’d be open to it all
Then when my life expires, they can talk of this moment
And extol, I didn’t let the sun settle and let myself slip away
