Time

Another Time, Another Place

 

I could have loved you,

but you didn’t see the magnitude of my request.

You were not able to feel the weight

pressed into every word

scribbled, on tear stained paper.

 

I would have loved you,

if, after careful consideration

you’d told me,

it was too much – I was too much.

You just couldn’t comprehend the change,

not just of lovers, but whole lives too.

Perhaps, being apprehensive, you were scared,

unsure of your feelings, where they lay,

and who with.

I could have loved you

for wanting time to contemplate.

 

I could have forgiven you,

of being unaware of loaded pressure,

for not sharing the burden

of the ticking bomb I held in the dark.

I would have forgiven you

for not understanding my clumsy plea.

Not seeing through the flimsy charade of subtext

that was so easily dismissed.

I accept this fault as my own

 

I would have loved you

with your words recanted.

After nights of indecision, 

If your voice had only offered emotion

rather than indifference.

I could have loved you.

Even after the painful walk home,

of shame, of sadness, of anger.

Devoid of affection,

or admission.

 

But when days and nights pass

into weeks, then months,

and eventually she leaves you

for another man, another baby.

If after all avenues have been scoured,

options weighed up,

and my offer of love is recalled

from the depths of its ashes.

When you want me to love you

and wonder where the fire has gone.

Remember

 

I could have loved you completely

Only the timing was wrong.

 

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Life in Stasis

Breathe in

Breathe out

Repeat

Wake up, wash, dress
Put on somebody else’s face
smile
don’t forget this
It’s important to show
you’re OK

Breathe in

Breathe out

Repeat

Work
Scrape the dirt from your nails
Stand up straight
smile
don’t forget this
is your necessity

Breathe out

Breathe in

Repeat

Walk, run
Catch a bus, the tube
try not to touch
or smile
don’t forget this
isn’t a game
It’s life

Breathe out

Try not to breathe in

Repeat

Eat,
Clean the dishes
take a bath, relax
smile
don’t forget this
is your time
then sleep


Repeat

The Final Countdown

Fifteen minutes, this is the countdown: how are you supposed to say everything you want to say in just fifteen minutes? Unprepared too! Sum it all up they said, you have 15 minutes that’s enough to point out the highlights, throw in some messages to loved ones and let them know you were thinking about them when the moment happened. But it’s not enough I said, fifteen minutes is just not enough time to express everything, I can’t press my life down into a nutshell and hope that people will be OK with the way things have turned out. I mean, what if I forget to mention someone?  What if this is the most important fifteen minutes of my life and then I forget someone dear to me because of the pressure? How would you feel knowing that you have devoted yourself to helping someone and then in those last final moments you were not on their most important list? What if you were that person?

Look, you get fifteen minutes, same as everyone else!

But-

No, fifteen minutes! He was adamant. So there I was with my rushed list trying desperately to count people’s names on my fingers and run through words in my head desperate to just say the right thing: it was too important to mess up. This was it. My last chance to show the world, to say what I really wanted to say before everything turned black. Just fifteen minutes to say all those things that had held me back through life, to tell people that I loved them or hated them (no I wouldn’t do this, still), but to just imprint a part of me into the hearts of people that I cared for: before the memory of me was lost in entirety, enveloped in the ether. Yes I had fifteen minutes to make an impact and not give way to fear. I had to hold my nerve and speak out, show true courage and then impress them, maybe I could change their minds. Perhaps I could get them to allow me a longer existence, beg them to keep my name on the list longer, help me stay alive. Yet now the end was nearing I couldn’t help but give way to the frog residing in my throat. I reached out for the mike but I could feel my throat squeezing the life from my words.

SoCS: March

March has been taken in a bit of a stride around here. To begin with I haven’t felt like I have had enough time to sit down and really focus on writing or reading or pretty much anything that will bring joy. Instead I have found myself resorting to hibernation mode on the days where I could have had some time to get things done; then afterwards kicking myself for wasting time.

Yes, at the beginning of March, I was already to march into the sunrise, head full of goals to complete and a list of things to do: yet somewhere along the way I got lost.

Do you ever get those days where you just feel you have had enough so you sit down and take a breather and some selfish time to yourself, and suddenly a few hours have been lost. Well that was my month of March really. Then tonight I find that I have literally lost an hour (darn those stupid time switches), and suddenly I feel awake again and aggrieved at all the time lost.

It keeps ticking whether we make the most of it or whether we waste it: and I guess we all need to feel as though we are wasting our time in order to do something about it.

So I shake my fist at you March, you have been my downfall and now I am protesting! Give me back my time and we shall have no more quarrel!

*marches off into the night and slams the door*

 

Take a read through the other SoCS posts over at Linda G Hill’s blog

Prelude

Tears extended

Overlaid with betrayal

Over watched with guilt

Another tissue discarded

Scrunched and screwed

Filled with regret

The room thick with sorrow

Clogged with slow acceptance

Of wasted time, of failure

Denial cast with remorse

A double edged coin

Of a fading currency

Wasted my young years

I am wasting my life

I know it, yet I cannot seem to stop it. I sit and I feel it slipping away from me. My get up and go has got up and gone and I have no idea how to find it again, or know if indeed it is still out there waiting to be found.

In my thoughts I am a pioneer, I swoop and soar and plan all things which I could do, list all the things I should do, hide from the things I need to do – yet still I lie.
Curled up in a fortress of quilt whenever I can get the chance, if ever I need not to be at work and sometimes when I should be somewhere else – i lie. Hidden behind walls and I lie, in bed waiting, waiting for something unknown.

I am tired

My bones do not want to move today or ever. I do not want to drag my carcass out into the unfriendly world where it has no relevance, no meaning, no joy. I feel guilt for all of the things I am missing out on, feel bad for those I am letting down, constantly but still I cannot seem to force myself out. I dont know what I want but I know it isnt this – I am a waste of life in this state. Not living but simply existing.

The only thing that brings solace is sleep. I feel I could sleep forever and feel happier lost in dreams for life only brings cruelty and sadness.

Please just let me sleep.